What is ugliness? II

     - Please read part one : ...

    * I continue my thoughts about “ugliness” on the second level – Emotional; Its also linked with Soul-heart, our psychology, reactions and temperament. This is the actual point of “difference” or the intimate zone, where everything we perceive in our own unique way. We accept here what is ugly by very individual way. All about the people attractions to “another side”, to someone or something opposite of their social values, can be included here. I`ll give one very real example about that. If I`m born in a place, where women right and value are very little, constantly ignored, moreover where I feel personally abused or mistreated, most probably I`ll develop feeling of fear and disgust to many people or objects in this place. Moreover if I have some knowledge about other places, far away from my home, I would develop dream attitude to them, as well as consider people and objects there more beautiful and in higher level; I may even create all beautiful opposites for them, compared to my sharp and ugly reality. So if I live in India for example in such environment, I may feel very attracted by someone foreigner, no matter of the country – but who comes from another place and has obviously different face features and character than Indian people. In this way I can perceive all or most Indian people as not beautiful or “ugly” and all or most foreigners as nice or beautiful. The same personal psychology values are stamped for the land-country, for society on the whole. Another way of developing this inner attitude for “attracted by another side”, is when you felt sad, ignored, lonely, unsuccessful in your life and relationships, mistreated, anxious, miserable – reasons can be millions – in your environment. You most probably will develop the this longing for another side; you may feel need to complete your life moving to another place, or build family –friendship with someone foreigner. Finally the economic and social environment of the country you live is also a prerequisite for your feelings about the place. The more sadness you experienced in one place, the more you are disconnected, dissatisfied from people there, and the more prone you ll be to see them as “ugly” and disgusting. That’s how we work on a deep sense with the social norms; and that means – we cant directly observe and take the norms and laws as constant,  cancelable , always existing.  We develop together with social values, also our own values for life –for beauty, ugliness and human relations, going through our life experiences. The first that affect on our senses directly is –environment around us – home, family, institutions, school, shops, markets, transport, nature, all what is around is collected in our emotional memory. The second thing that is tied to our psychology and soul are relations with others. They are one of the most significant factors from all for our personal growth, attitudes and forming of our perceptions for ugly and beautiful. Relations like – inside family relations, behavior, methods of education, friendships, attachments, love-relationships, marriage –all that range is connected with the developing the soul. As we can see soul is a very vulnerable and complex matter (even not visible). Now at this point I want to explain the concept of ugliness. Someone or something can not be ugly, and even can be regarded as “nice or beautiful” from others, but can be seen and felt as “ugly” for us alone. Why? Imagine a situation of aggressive behavior from one person –like young boy –who make attempt of rape a girl from the school. The boy is tall, blond, with blue eyes, wavy hair...he is dressed in blue jacket, has smell of alcohol mixed with men aftershave which reminds smell of bark and cinnamon. The boy is from the same class of the girl; so he makes attempt , and the feeling he arise in the girl as “victim”, no matter if the attempt was successful, are strong fear, panic and disgust. After the accident the girl develops fear from being alone, fear from going to school, as she wants to avoid seeing the aggressor; This is just the beginning of what happens inside of her-on a surface level. With the time her emotional memory will keep records of these emotions, and will make links of any similar experience with the emotional button of panic and fear; for example whenever she sees a man with the same characteristics, face features, clothes and smell, she will by nature evoke the same emotions. Going on this path –in short terms –she will feel disgusted and view as “ugly” most of men with blue eyes, blond hair and tall, men who wear blue jacket, men who have smell of aftershave –with barn and alcohol. So all of these separate elements are mixed, but they can appear also very separately in her emotional memory. She wouldn’t like in the future the “blue jacket” of her boy friend…smell of alcohol and so on. On the other hand –due to unique nature of every individual on earth –all these elements of emotional memory can have even very different effects –some can cause slight disgust, or forgetfulness as method of “overcoming” the hard event from past – some can result as avoiding at all men company, and disgust and fear from all men regardless even of their appearance or status. The more sensitive is the soul ,the more it will have hard consequences for her future.

To conclude on emotional level “ugliness” is perceived as complex and individually developed net of negative qualities, connected to our conscious life, memories and subconscious mind; the formation of what we feel as “ugly” starts from hurts, damages and painful events in life line, specially childhood, which are aggression, abuse, physical violence, emotional violence (shouting, disrespect), sexual violence, arrogant and offensive behavior, offensive speech, and so on. All these sharp and negative qualities come from the dark side of emotions and create first of all fear, then lack of balance in real life,  feeling of disgust, sorrow, depression, anxiety, fearfulness. All that aggressors and their features –separately and on the whole are seen as “ugly”.

    Another aspect to the topic of ugliness of the “Soul” as we can say – is related to our emotional relationships. All our relationships are important, but the most significant are relations with our closest people –family, parents, brothers, friends, soul mates, beloved, spouses. That’s why any mischief, evil, hard situation, behavior, abuse or offence from their side will create wounds inside our emotional memory – and heart.

Heart is most sensitive organ and key to all human feelings, key to all beautiful emotions and in the same time all bad emotions, if allowed to collect them. If your heart is hurt, whole your body is in pain and you`ll be ill in reality. That`s how our relations pay highly important part in our life lessons, achievements, success and personal development. As living in a social groups, we always feel influenced from relation of others –how they see us, how they accept us, how they approve us is very important. Very few are people who are not tied in any way to the social or family opinion – or the stigma “what other will say/ think about that?”, how other will accept me? “do they love me?” The search of love and approvement from others is in the human nature. That`s why is important to feel what others feel, but to the limit of our own values and inner truth. In other words –when our inner truth is totally different from inner truth of others –then there is no pint of comparison or any striving to fit in their “expectations”. What we need to realize that we have to “meet our own high expectations” first; and most. Then we`ll be already valued enough for what we are.

    The feeling of broken heart, failed relationship, failed marriage, broken friendship can strongly affect on our soul, and develop in us specific criteria for understanding “ugly” and “beautiful”. When we observe all general cases together, we`ll see all qualities linked with ugliness” come from the dark negative behavior of others – lies, betrayal, hatred, disrespect, unemotional, cold, insensitive, not compassionate, conformist, humiliating…and so on. Multiple are the bad and negative shades of relationships. Sadly this negative qualities can create inside of us others also negative features in response to them, -which sadly happens very often in childhood. For example sensitive child, beaten for his mistakes or bad marks in the school, can easily develop attitude to lie and untruth, as a defensive reaction to save him from aggression. This is common case; Fear of aggression and fear of loss (to lose love of someone close, to lose appreciation) is indeed in the core of many such cases of lies, cheating and untruth. From another side, the same behavior to less sensitive child can lead to different behavior – to be aggressor by himself, he can become arrogant, dull, non empathetic, cold, and disinterested to others. The child with the flow of time could even become criminal or will have need for aggression and violence by himself, or combination of all that plus creating illusions and blocking his mind by using addictive substances like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. All of that is linked to “emotional relations” – heart and soul.

Its obvious from all that statements – the ugliness sensed and observed by emotions and soul experience is much more “ugly” and sharp compared with ugliness” on the physical level –and with much deeper psychological consequences.

Antoine de Saint- Exuperi wrote in is remarkable well known booklet "Le Petit Prince", “Little prince”: “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye”…so it’s the ugliness.  

[ nina Lea-nura * ]

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